U is for United: Not West Ham, obviously, as you can see from the shambolic performances on the pitch reinforced by Lee Dixon's account in The Independent of a public training session recently. No, United are The Fans. I know it's easy to be sentimental about some frankly pretty horrible people you can encounter regularly at footie, but WE ARE WEST HAM'S CLARET AND BLUE ARMY. We'll be there long after the mercenaries have departed. We've seen off Terence Brown and his Bond Scheme, endured the Icelandic excesses, and now we have The Pornographers. It's our team, even if they (part) own it.
V is for Value. Where to begin? The cost of the season tickets in relation to the quality of the fare on offer? Wayne Bridge at £90k a week to give (count 'em) three goals to the Arse? Big Benni McCarthy whose wages and pay off to go produced precisely no goals (but, pound for pound you could say he was cheap!) Or maybe Freddie Sears who put in a shift on a return from yet another loan that put Faubert and Barrera to shame. Perhaps in the Championship more of the Academy will get a chance. After all, they've got to be cheaper and couldn't be less committed than some of what we've seen.
W is for Woe, woe and thrice woe, as Frankie Howerd used to intone. You couldn't make up the crass cock-ups this year. Even after relegation is confirmed, The Pornographers show their class by firing the Manager they appointed within an hour and apparently the players had to intercede to ensure he got a ride back with the team. Then we get their forensic analysis of what they need to do differently next time which seems to centre on appointing an East End manager. East End of where? Glasgow? Or is Ray Winstone in with a shout? Plus we're going to sell everybody because it wouldn't be fair to expect them to play in the Championship. But they expect me to fork out to watch the bloody Championship.
X is for Kisses. All of those directed at the badge by those who'll be off. Not that it happened very often as we didn't score many.
Y is for Youth. This season, at some time or other, James Tomkins, Jordan Spence, Junior Stanislas, Freddie Sears, Zavon Hines and Jack Collison have had time in the first team. Only James Tomkins has got anywhere near to being a regular, and Zavon Hines is reportedly leaving at the end of his contract, but the Academy is rightly highly regarded for its past and present exploits in developing players. Let's hope there are some more Mark Nobles to come through - under-appreciated, taken for granted by some fans, but a genuine Claret and Blue who always puts a shift in.
Z is for Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The sleep of the nearly dead. Wake me up when the Nightmare's over. Mind you, then the sleep would put Rip van Winkle to shame. But then, snatching catastrophe from the jaws of glory has always been the West Ham way, from having three world cup winners in a team that never challenged in the league, to having a team that genuinely challenged that is then not improved but cashed in on, to selling some of the most talented footballers of the last generation (and replacing them with the likes of Big Titi Camara), to losing semi-finals by fielding ineligible players for three minutes. Actually against that catalogie of cock-ups, relegation is small beer. Championship, here we come!
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