Me and Elvis never, ever, ever want to go to Chelsea. It's west London, it's got Fat Frank and John Terry and wins for us there are as rare as hen's teeth or JT's outbursts of modesty and self-awareness.
I remember under Ron Greenwood when we were (as ever) flirting wth relegation, we were losing 3-0 at half-time. Apparently he told the team to go out and enjoy the second half and we ended up either drawing or winning. I wanted to say winning, but it may be false memory syndrome comforting me. I don't know what Avram says at half-time , but it doesn't work on this season's evidence (unless it's go out and give up, which clearly does work on many occasions).
But today was not a game anybody at all expected West Ham to get anything from, and anybody at all was right. We ended the game bottom of the league and with the worst goal difference with the exception of Wigan (and that only because Sunderland found their scoring touch today, just before they have to play us).
Of course that's not the whole story, but it is the bit that matters. With Super Scott knackered from a season of carrying the team so successfully he's a shoe-in for Hammer of the Year for the third successive year, back in the England team and the Sports Writers' Player of the Year, and Matthew Upson literally, instead of figuratively, missing from the, ahem, 'heart' of the West Ham defence, two of the spine were missing. That left Rob Green as captain and brilliant goalie again, and Carlton Cole as ex-Chelsea player and perennial under-achiever as lone striker.
For all that, it was another nearly performance. We nearly scored three times in the first half, we nearly kept Chelsea scoreless until half-time, we nearly equalised when it was only 1-0 and Robbie Keane showed why 'Appy 'Arry is happy to get rid of him by missing an open goal. I see fly-boy 'Arry is up to his old tricks of tapping up players by talking about super Scott leaving when we're relegated. And not for £15 million he was apparently quoted earlier this season.
And we nearly got the date right for a committed performance - because if we'd played like this last week when it mattered more, we would surely have won. But it appears we can only turn up when no-one expects it and it won't matter. So expect another great (but ultimately losing ) performance at Man City next week, before we subside against Blackburn, Wigan and or Sunderland (one, two or all three). Because those are the games that will really matter.
Inevitably Fat Frank scored, and Torres as well finally. But both of those were only to be expected against us. Malouda salted the wound in the 92nd minute and all we can do is be thankful that we won't be playing Chelsea next year and that when we're relegated, we won't be topping up Keane's pension plan. So that's the silver lining this week, as I prepare to savour Super Scott's last few performances for us.
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