Back to the Future: West Ham 1 0 Tottenham; 25 September

It's nice to feel euphoric on a Saturday night for the first time this season.  And it's the culmination of  a very decent week.  I followed Tuesday evening's fizzy-pop cup win at Sunderland via the rolling news updates at the bottom of the TV screen as I watched the second half of the Spurs-Arsenal game, resisting the temptation to turn to Sky Sports News on the ludicrous grounds that if I did, West Ham would stop winning.  But hey, it worked.

And in the perverse way of the perennial pessimist, did I rejoice that two (count 'em) non-scoring forwards had scored?  Of course not, I simply assumed that in some way we would now inevitably lose to Spurs.

So come today, my optimism meter was on empty.  After all, we haven't beaten Spurs home or away for years, and if there's one team I'd like to beat more than any others, it's them.  When we do paste them, they blame the pasta (Lasagna, geddit?)  And 'Appy 'Arry has never brought a team to Upton Park and lost since he did one.  And, again, if there's a manager I'd love to beat, it's the one that bought Big Titi Camara with (some of) the proceeds of the sale of Rio to Nasty Leeds.  A well-greased sale, I'm sure.

But in the event, we won.

We played some football and Rob Green made one stupendous save.  Scotty Parker showed why Spurs were desperate to buy him and Kieron Dyer went off injured before the first half was completed.  My daughter Jessica attended her first game of the season and now maintains she is the essential ingredient.

The natural order is restored and all is right with the world at least until next Saturday.

And we've drawn Stoke in the fizzy-pop cup so I can reminisce about Bobby Moore in goal and Geoff Hurst missing a penalty so that Stoke went tio the final (and in the close season, Geoff went to Stoke).

Back to the future it is.

DISRUPTIONS TO THE NATURAL ORDER: Stoke 1 -1 West Ham; 18 September

I watched the West Ham game at our house in Norfolk.  This is normally not allowed by the Ruler, who quite rightly sees the house in Norfolk as a change from the house in London.  In Norfolk we go out (together even), we take long walks on beaches and through woodland with our dogs, we watch television together.  Watching football on the television is not in the brochure.

I watch football (usually) in the company of member(s) of my family - my elder daughter, Jessica, my two sons, Joel and Jack (all named in chronological order with no implication of any favouritism).  As well as sharing the delights or - more usually - pains of a West Ham performance there is the constant commentary and opportunities to express jointly profound derision for the referee, opposition, and most often, it has to be acknowledged, the efforts of several West Ham players.  On my own I do my best to keep up the volume, frequency and amount of bile, but often lapse into fatalistic acceptance of the general incompetence of the referee, opposition and several West Ham players (although I try to make an exception for Spector).

Despite the numerous abominations Sky television has brought to football coverage (along with, I admit, a degree of passion and expertise in the coverage that the BBC never did and hasn't yet managed), a match at Saturday lunchtime while eating in front of the telly alone is not the way it should be done.  The fact that my two dogs are quite willing to be excited when I am does not compensate for their need to slink away when the incompetent defending leads to a relatively short-lived tirade of abuse.

And, of course, for this game the Manager was absent for reasons of religious observance.  As was one of his purchases (on loan) requiring a fourth centre back partner for Matt Upson in as many games.  Since the absolute foundation for teams to be successful is to have a strong defence and build from it, as the brilliant efforts of Roy Hodgson at Fulham demonstrated, and that very ordinary players (John Pantsil, Aaron Lennon, Paul Konchesky) can, if well coached, be a good defence, so many changes do not bode well.

But, above all else, the biggest disruptions to the natural order were that West Ham didn't concede three goals, were not bullied out of the game, and gained a first point of the season. 

Good job I'm not superstitious - it would be impossible to replicate those circumstances.

Weary, stale, flat and unprofitable: West Ham 1 - 3 Chelsea; 11 September

One of the joys of Shakespeare is that he can supply a quote for every occasion.  The apocryphal American lady who responded to seeing 'Hamlet' for the first time by saying it was full of quotes was right, but in the wrong order.

Nobody felt any great sense of anticipation going to the match yesterday.  The usual level of vitriol reserved for Fat Frank wasn't required as he wasn't playing.  Not that he was being saved by his manager from the terrible abuse he would receive.  It was the hernia wot did it.  And he always relishes the abuse, using it to spur him on to score against us. 

But our lamentable start to the season, combined with Chelsea's early goal-scoring sprees, meant the talk was on whether we would be able to keep the score respectable.  In our favour was, well, not a lot really, except that Chelsea have a European game coming up in midweek and they would presumably want to conserve their energy for that.  And we, of course, have a whole host of new signings eager to show just what we haven't spent any money on in the transfer window, more for the Foreign Legion who, according to co-owner and erstwhile pornographer David Sullivan, don't give their all for the cause.

In the event, Jacobsen, a free transfer from Blackburn' s reserves, Ben Haim, a loan from relegated Portsmouth, and Obinna, loaned from Inter.  Now, according to Pravda, Jacobsen is Denmark right back ever-present for his country in the World Cup, and Obinna a lively Nigeria international.  So lively he was loaned to Malaga last year and now to us.

All of this was academic as we had conceded a goal before 2 minutes.  A routine corner, don't mark and there we go.  We followed that with Rob Green's slippery hands presenting Matt Upson the chnace to hoof a clearance straight against Kalou and into the net on 17 minutes.  After that, Chelsea went from trotting to strolling and allowed us to look ok because they had the game won.

It's interesting to study our team in that situation.  Scott Parker never stopped trying and nor did Mark Noble, but his passing was wayward.  Behrami was full of shrugs and grumbles that seemed to give credence to the view that he'd rather not be here.  Mind you, there were plenty in the crowd who felt the same way.

Obinna is another non-scoring forward who made Marlon Harewood look accurate and the substitute Piquionne could give Mike Small a run for his money when it comes to missing sitters.  I mention Marlon and Mike because West Ham is a club with traditions, and one in particular is that we apparently buy (and play) forwards on the basis of their lack of skill with a banjo when placed near a cow's arse.

So why Carlton Cole gets such stick is beyond me.  A non-scoring centre-forward? Check.  But at least he keeps going.  As will I, no doubt, but more in expectation (of defeat) than hope.

International breaks

Like most club supporters, my concern with the national team is lukewarm at best.  If there's a West Ham player in the team, the temperature of the interest rises a couple of notches.  If it's an important tournament, and there's a West Ham player in the team, it might reach tepid .

Mostly, it's depressing because of might-have-beens for the England team.  Not what the all-that-glitters-is-not-golden generation might have achieved, but how many England players could have been in the West Ham team.  There are those that seem authentically to be West Ham players, like Joe Cole, Michael Carrick, Glen Johnson, Rio Ferdinand and Fat Frank.  There are those that have played at West Ham like David James, Rob Green, Carlton Cole, Matthew Upson and even Super Scotty Parker.  And then those passing through (like little shits) on their way to 'big clubs' like Jermaine Defoe.

Some are really West Ham, went away and came back and then moved on, like Bobby Zamora.

But it's quite a contribution from a chronically underachieving club.

Other clubs will have more in the we-bought-them-to-play-for-us international category.  Many of the players who started with us improved out of all recognition in their new clubs (from Fat Frank to Bobby Z).

Some started with us and left without troubling the senior squads such as John Terry and Kieran Richardson (and wasn't the first one a bonus whatever his footballing capability).

But for a corner shop kind of outfit, Tony Carr and his set-up is something special.  Shame about the rest of organisation.

Chilean defenders, Chilean Miners: Manchester United 3 - 0 West Ham: 28 August

Many years ago West Ham had a Chilean defender named Javier Margas.  He endeared himself to supporters for a variety of reasons.  He seemed more than slightly mad.  He died his hair claret and blue. He disappeared back to Chile. But he had been a Chilean international and championship winner in his own country. He later established a hotel in Chile and famously (barkingly?) invited West Ham supporters to stay, claiming he was still a West Ham supporter.

He popped into my head because there has been much in the news of Chilean miners found trapped underground and who, it is reported, will not be freed until nearly Christmas.  Not surprisingly, experts on the surface are monitoring their physical and emotional health since the miners were given the news of how long it will take to rescue them.  They have detected signs of depresssion and are using the limited communication bore hole they have established to find methods of keeping their spirits up.

One of the things they are proposing to do is record football matches and give the miners access to watching them.

I hope none of them has followed Margas's example and become a West Ham supporter.

No recording is likely to lift their spirits if they have.  Instead, they might prefer to stay down a bit longer than Christmas in the hope that West Ham might have won a game by the time they surface.

But not if they play as they did against United.  The plan seemed to be to keep ten men behind the ball at all times, passing across the pitch to each other when they had the ball, desperately hoofing it up, up and away if they could intercept when they didn't, and try to keep the goals against column as low as possible.  Avram Grant probably thinks only conceding 3 to Man Utd away is progress after conceding 3 at home to Bolton and 3 away to Villa already this season and taking until the 93rd minute to score against Oxford with the West Ham goalkeeper the man of the match.

None of his oh-so-many signings started the game and he picked a third player as right back in as many matches.  And he was just as bad as the previous two, giving away the needless penalty that started the goalscoring.

Jonathon Spector - a Chilean mine has a place for you.  Please take your manager with you.

Exodus - Movement of Gia(nfranco) People

Yesterday Allesandro Diamanti was sold.  Popularly known with us as Shopping Channel (Diamante = Cubit Zircon = Tacky Shopping Channel Jewelry), he was an intriguing player.  Because he was Italian (with the complete repertoire of histrionic shrugs and hands-together-in prayer chopping motions), Pravda regularly invoked Paulo Di Canio whenever writing about him.  Not that he was ever in the same league (except that, last season, he was, in fact, although at a different time).

He was a near-perfect example of what the former Chief Executive, Scott Duxbury, and Gianfranco Zola used to refer to as The Project.  One aspect of that was to make a virtue of not having any money to spend, but developing young players instead.  Another was to look to the Italian League for bargains.  When there was some money, it was spent (£6m reportedly) on reinforcing the team where it least needed reinforcing. 

Definitely need a striker?  Buy a wide midfield player (Diamanti).

Definitely need a right back?  Loan a midlfield player (Jimenez).

And, to have the money to do this, sell a commanding central defender and replace with a young player to develop.  And then ship lots of goals.


That's a plan. Not a very good one, but a plan.  Now we need to try to discern what Avram's plan is.  At least he bought a striker, but Piquionne is apparently one of those curious non-scoring strikers.  Heskey a la francais?

As to The Project, Jimenez went back after half a season of failure and Diamanti is sold at £4.5m loss after a season.


But he still took a better penalty than Carlton Cole.

Gone Missing (vs Oxford Carling Cup 24 August)

Tonight I'm missing my first game of the season.  Already the jaundiced view of the 'team' has returned from last season.  Not that it needed much encouragement, but Villa and Bolton managed it dead easy.

Even that lovely personal message from Avram about the quality of the performance against Bolton wasn't enough to tempt me.  I know whistling in the wind when I hear it.  I've heard it often enough over the years at West Ham.

Even the lowest price for more than a decade couldn't tempt me.  There are lots better things to waste a tenner on.  Like chucking it away.

The promise of a near full strength team couldn't do it either.  Stregth being a relative concept.

So while I stay away, I shall still be flicking over to Sky Sports and watching the club website because I just can't ignore the fact that there's a match.

All I have to do is prepare myself for the Man Utd game via the telly on Saturday then.

And wait for Joel's temperate(?) take on the match, as he's the sole family representative there in person.