This week I received an email from Scott Parker. Yes, that Scott Parker - superhero.
He said to me that our relegation is: an opportunity to rebuild a squad that will get the club straight back up to where it belongs.
Scott added he was: absolutely sure the team can bounce back quickly and make you proud once again.
This is because: the players will be determined to make up for the disappointment of last season and all the lads will be doing their best to make that happen.
He concludes: you’ve been amazing and I hope you stick with the team on the journey to bigger and better things next season.
So, if all that is so, Scott, will you be there next year, too?
Or was that just marketing bollocks to get me to renew my season ticket and it wasn't really written by you at all?
Perish the thought of such cynicism ......
Sunday 29 May 2011
Sunday 22 May 2011
Not Even A Whimper: West Ham 0 - 3 Sunderland; May 22
The season ends as it began with 3-0 defeat to a team shorn of players and confidence, but still far too good for a ragged West Ham.
In the week, the fragrant Karren Brady wrote how she hoped Birmingham would stay up, given her past association with club, and also Wigan, as owner Dave Whelan is such a gentleman. Where to begin with calibrating how out-of-touch with the feelings of West Ham fans that shows her to be? As if the Olympic Stadium were not demonstration enough. Well, Birmingham. A horrible side whose fans have a track record of violence towards West Ham which extends to targeting young kids wearing shirts. Like we care what happens to them. Then Dave Whelan, sweat-shop owning price-fixer, who tried to sue us over playing Carlos Tevez and expressed his hopes that we would be relegated. But I suppose if you make your career selling advertising for Pornographers, and its height is reached with your head firmly between Lord Sugar's buttocks, your idea of a gentleman is likely to be distorted.
So I'm really pleased that she's the lynchpin in the search for the new manager who will lead us from the barren deserts of the Championship to the Promised Land of the Premiership. One newspaper report this week suggested Carlo Ancelotti likes London so much he'd give us a shot. From Champions League to Championship - yeah, right. And given how well the last two managers with Chelsea associations turned out, would our business plan be 'third time lucky'? But it's all fish and chip paper.
Today we played 'spot who won't be here next season'. Some of those seem already to be not here this season. No Carlton Cole nor Demba Ba nor Robbie Keane even on the bench. I guess the latter has returned to Spurs 'Get Rid' file and the first two are in our 'For Sale' prospectus. Matthew Upson's injury also prevented him from playing (as something has almost all the season) and he's out of contract. Rob Green gave a very long goodbye salute to the fans who have supported him against all the 'You Let Your Country Down' moronic chants, and he has rarely let us down and will find a better club. Danny Gabbidon is out of contract and another likely to leave, along with Wayne Bridge's £90k a week wages for his loan. Hitzlsperger gave us less than half a season for a full season's wages and now will presumably be off. Obinna (touted as a future West Ham legend by Pornographer No. 2) will also go back to his parent club in Milan from whence he is a serial loanee. Kovac will have to find another comfortable bench as his contract ends. Zavon Hines (who has been complaining about not playing enough and today showed why that has been) is another out of contract and presumably off. And of course, Super Scott will have competition to sign him and can go with all my very best wishes for his efforts in this and previous seasons. I hope he goes somewhere where he wins something as he deserves it. A great player and, apparently, a thoroughly nice man. After all, unlike Bellamy, he wasn't interested in taking the Man City millions midway through last season, and turned down Spurs overtures twice.
The Controller has decreed that the season ticket shall be purchased for a further season (although the decree does not extend to son Jack. Apparently a college course disbars him from attending - he's got a note from his mum to say so). Joe and Jess are both in it for the long haul, and Connor needs his character building further if he is to grow into the cynical, embittered Irons supporter that is his birthright.
So now, I'll dust off my Barcelona chants for the benefit of the telly next weekend, and contemplate a season of Championship football. What joy.
In the week, the fragrant Karren Brady wrote how she hoped Birmingham would stay up, given her past association with club, and also Wigan, as owner Dave Whelan is such a gentleman. Where to begin with calibrating how out-of-touch with the feelings of West Ham fans that shows her to be? As if the Olympic Stadium were not demonstration enough. Well, Birmingham. A horrible side whose fans have a track record of violence towards West Ham which extends to targeting young kids wearing shirts. Like we care what happens to them. Then Dave Whelan, sweat-shop owning price-fixer, who tried to sue us over playing Carlos Tevez and expressed his hopes that we would be relegated. But I suppose if you make your career selling advertising for Pornographers, and its height is reached with your head firmly between Lord Sugar's buttocks, your idea of a gentleman is likely to be distorted.
So I'm really pleased that she's the lynchpin in the search for the new manager who will lead us from the barren deserts of the Championship to the Promised Land of the Premiership. One newspaper report this week suggested Carlo Ancelotti likes London so much he'd give us a shot. From Champions League to Championship - yeah, right. And given how well the last two managers with Chelsea associations turned out, would our business plan be 'third time lucky'? But it's all fish and chip paper.
Today we played 'spot who won't be here next season'. Some of those seem already to be not here this season. No Carlton Cole nor Demba Ba nor Robbie Keane even on the bench. I guess the latter has returned to Spurs 'Get Rid' file and the first two are in our 'For Sale' prospectus. Matthew Upson's injury also prevented him from playing (as something has almost all the season) and he's out of contract. Rob Green gave a very long goodbye salute to the fans who have supported him against all the 'You Let Your Country Down' moronic chants, and he has rarely let us down and will find a better club. Danny Gabbidon is out of contract and another likely to leave, along with Wayne Bridge's £90k a week wages for his loan. Hitzlsperger gave us less than half a season for a full season's wages and now will presumably be off. Obinna (touted as a future West Ham legend by Pornographer No. 2) will also go back to his parent club in Milan from whence he is a serial loanee. Kovac will have to find another comfortable bench as his contract ends. Zavon Hines (who has been complaining about not playing enough and today showed why that has been) is another out of contract and presumably off. And of course, Super Scott will have competition to sign him and can go with all my very best wishes for his efforts in this and previous seasons. I hope he goes somewhere where he wins something as he deserves it. A great player and, apparently, a thoroughly nice man. After all, unlike Bellamy, he wasn't interested in taking the Man City millions midway through last season, and turned down Spurs overtures twice.
The Controller has decreed that the season ticket shall be purchased for a further season (although the decree does not extend to son Jack. Apparently a college course disbars him from attending - he's got a note from his mum to say so). Joe and Jess are both in it for the long haul, and Connor needs his character building further if he is to grow into the cynical, embittered Irons supporter that is his birthright.
So now, I'll dust off my Barcelona chants for the benefit of the telly next weekend, and contemplate a season of Championship football. What joy.
Friday 20 May 2011
Review of the Season Part Five: U - Z
U is for United: Not West Ham, obviously, as you can see from the shambolic performances on the pitch reinforced by Lee Dixon's account in The Independent of a public training session recently. No, United are The Fans. I know it's easy to be sentimental about some frankly pretty horrible people you can encounter regularly at footie, but WE ARE WEST HAM'S CLARET AND BLUE ARMY. We'll be there long after the mercenaries have departed. We've seen off Terence Brown and his Bond Scheme, endured the Icelandic excesses, and now we have The Pornographers. It's our team, even if they (part) own it.
V is for Value. Where to begin? The cost of the season tickets in relation to the quality of the fare on offer? Wayne Bridge at £90k a week to give (count 'em) three goals to the Arse? Big Benni McCarthy whose wages and pay off to go produced precisely no goals (but, pound for pound you could say he was cheap!) Or maybe Freddie Sears who put in a shift on a return from yet another loan that put Faubert and Barrera to shame. Perhaps in the Championship more of the Academy will get a chance. After all, they've got to be cheaper and couldn't be less committed than some of what we've seen.
W is for Woe, woe and thrice woe, as Frankie Howerd used to intone. You couldn't make up the crass cock-ups this year. Even after relegation is confirmed, The Pornographers show their class by firing the Manager they appointed within an hour and apparently the players had to intercede to ensure he got a ride back with the team. Then we get their forensic analysis of what they need to do differently next time which seems to centre on appointing an East End manager. East End of where? Glasgow? Or is Ray Winstone in with a shout? Plus we're going to sell everybody because it wouldn't be fair to expect them to play in the Championship. But they expect me to fork out to watch the bloody Championship.
X is for Kisses. All of those directed at the badge by those who'll be off. Not that it happened very often as we didn't score many.
Y is for Youth. This season, at some time or other, James Tomkins, Jordan Spence, Junior Stanislas, Freddie Sears, Zavon Hines and Jack Collison have had time in the first team. Only James Tomkins has got anywhere near to being a regular, and Zavon Hines is reportedly leaving at the end of his contract, but the Academy is rightly highly regarded for its past and present exploits in developing players. Let's hope there are some more Mark Nobles to come through - under-appreciated, taken for granted by some fans, but a genuine Claret and Blue who always puts a shift in.
Z is for Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The sleep of the nearly dead. Wake me up when the Nightmare's over. Mind you, then the sleep would put Rip van Winkle to shame. But then, snatching catastrophe from the jaws of glory has always been the West Ham way, from having three world cup winners in a team that never challenged in the league, to having a team that genuinely challenged that is then not improved but cashed in on, to selling some of the most talented footballers of the last generation (and replacing them with the likes of Big Titi Camara), to losing semi-finals by fielding ineligible players for three minutes. Actually against that catalogie of cock-ups, relegation is small beer. Championship, here we come!
V is for Value. Where to begin? The cost of the season tickets in relation to the quality of the fare on offer? Wayne Bridge at £90k a week to give (count 'em) three goals to the Arse? Big Benni McCarthy whose wages and pay off to go produced precisely no goals (but, pound for pound you could say he was cheap!) Or maybe Freddie Sears who put in a shift on a return from yet another loan that put Faubert and Barrera to shame. Perhaps in the Championship more of the Academy will get a chance. After all, they've got to be cheaper and couldn't be less committed than some of what we've seen.
W is for Woe, woe and thrice woe, as Frankie Howerd used to intone. You couldn't make up the crass cock-ups this year. Even after relegation is confirmed, The Pornographers show their class by firing the Manager they appointed within an hour and apparently the players had to intercede to ensure he got a ride back with the team. Then we get their forensic analysis of what they need to do differently next time which seems to centre on appointing an East End manager. East End of where? Glasgow? Or is Ray Winstone in with a shout? Plus we're going to sell everybody because it wouldn't be fair to expect them to play in the Championship. But they expect me to fork out to watch the bloody Championship.
X is for Kisses. All of those directed at the badge by those who'll be off. Not that it happened very often as we didn't score many.
Y is for Youth. This season, at some time or other, James Tomkins, Jordan Spence, Junior Stanislas, Freddie Sears, Zavon Hines and Jack Collison have had time in the first team. Only James Tomkins has got anywhere near to being a regular, and Zavon Hines is reportedly leaving at the end of his contract, but the Academy is rightly highly regarded for its past and present exploits in developing players. Let's hope there are some more Mark Nobles to come through - under-appreciated, taken for granted by some fans, but a genuine Claret and Blue who always puts a shift in.
Z is for Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The sleep of the nearly dead. Wake me up when the Nightmare's over. Mind you, then the sleep would put Rip van Winkle to shame. But then, snatching catastrophe from the jaws of glory has always been the West Ham way, from having three world cup winners in a team that never challenged in the league, to having a team that genuinely challenged that is then not improved but cashed in on, to selling some of the most talented footballers of the last generation (and replacing them with the likes of Big Titi Camara), to losing semi-finals by fielding ineligible players for three minutes. Actually against that catalogie of cock-ups, relegation is small beer. Championship, here we come!
Monday 16 May 2011
Review of the Season Part Four: P - T
P is for The Pornographers. Their ten-point plan to save the club began with 'Appoint the right Manager'. So that went well. Not content with continually undermining Gianfranco Zola last year and sacking him the moment the season was over, this year they stuck with an obvious incompetent and sacked him before the end of the season, but not in time to remedy his failings. If I hear any more about how they love the club, I'll impale them on one of their dildos.
Q is for Quotidian. A beautiful Shakespearean word meaning commonplace, everyday. Like throwing away leads, letting goals in in the first fifteen minutes of games, conceding more goals from headers than any other team. Basic defending really - but doing it right was obviously too commonplace for the team and the coaching staff couldn't be arsed to get it right. Unlike Allardyce, say, or Hodgson, or O'Neill - or even Curbishley.
R is for Relegation. You read it here first. We have more chance of going to League 1 next year than back to the Premiership. All our best players will be sold. Every team we play will want the scalp of a 'big club'. Our owners appointed Avram Grant and are now choosing the next manager.
S is for Super Scott Parker. About to be Hammer of the Year for the third consecutive time, Football Writers Player of the Year, back in the England team and all the while carrying the team, even finding time for a half-time inspirational team talk when the team was losing 3-0. I hope he goes to a club worthy of him.
T is for Teamwork. Notably absent from West Ham (except for the board who choreographed complete absence from a crucial away game at Man City). Where was the spirit, the determination? Of course, Super Scott had it in spades, and Mark Noble wasn't far behind' giving himslef a hernia in the process. But everybody else? Even Demba Ba sulked in the last home game when moved to play wide, while Carlton Cole at least kept trying (the fans' patience as much as anything).
Q is for Quotidian. A beautiful Shakespearean word meaning commonplace, everyday. Like throwing away leads, letting goals in in the first fifteen minutes of games, conceding more goals from headers than any other team. Basic defending really - but doing it right was obviously too commonplace for the team and the coaching staff couldn't be arsed to get it right. Unlike Allardyce, say, or Hodgson, or O'Neill - or even Curbishley.
R is for Relegation. You read it here first. We have more chance of going to League 1 next year than back to the Premiership. All our best players will be sold. Every team we play will want the scalp of a 'big club'. Our owners appointed Avram Grant and are now choosing the next manager.
S is for Super Scott Parker. About to be Hammer of the Year for the third consecutive time, Football Writers Player of the Year, back in the England team and all the while carrying the team, even finding time for a half-time inspirational team talk when the team was losing 3-0. I hope he goes to a club worthy of him.
T is for Teamwork. Notably absent from West Ham (except for the board who choreographed complete absence from a crucial away game at Man City). Where was the spirit, the determination? Of course, Super Scott had it in spades, and Mark Noble wasn't far behind' giving himslef a hernia in the process. But everybody else? Even Demba Ba sulked in the last home game when moved to play wide, while Carlton Cole at least kept trying (the fans' patience as much as anything).
Sunday 15 May 2011
The Fat Lady Sings! Wigan 3 -2 West Ham; 15 May
And now, the end is beyond nigh, it's arrived. Another inspirational half-time team talk from Avram Grant saw West Ham turn a two goal lead into a three-two defeat and relegation after six years in the Premiership Promised Land.
Of course, at half-time all of the unlikely sequence of results was happening for a miracle. West Ham were winning two-nil, Birmingham were losing to Fulham, and Spurs were winning (which would mean their season was alive on the last day when they play Birmingham). All West Ham had to do was hold on to a two-goal lead. But for the sixth time this season, that proved beyond them and Wigan came back. Good luck to them - they have more bottle and talent than West Ham, as well as a better manager.
In truth, relegation is not a result of today, but of too many dire performances throughout the season. A sequence of five losses and a draw from the six games prior to today's match was never going to be cause for optimism (except in Avram Grant's self-parodic, positive thinking email messages each week. I can't wait for this week's).
So, it's off to Barnsley .... and Millwall. After next week's wake.
Of course, at half-time all of the unlikely sequence of results was happening for a miracle. West Ham were winning two-nil, Birmingham were losing to Fulham, and Spurs were winning (which would mean their season was alive on the last day when they play Birmingham). All West Ham had to do was hold on to a two-goal lead. But for the sixth time this season, that proved beyond them and Wigan came back. Good luck to them - they have more bottle and talent than West Ham, as well as a better manager.
In truth, relegation is not a result of today, but of too many dire performances throughout the season. A sequence of five losses and a draw from the six games prior to today's match was never going to be cause for optimism (except in Avram Grant's self-parodic, positive thinking email messages each week. I can't wait for this week's).
So, it's off to Barnsley .... and Millwall. After next week's wake.
Saturday 14 May 2011
Review of the Season Part 3: K - O
K is for Karren Brady. Vice-chairman and moving force behind the Olympic Park move (even going so far as to float the idea we could be renamed West Ham Olympic to demonstrate her cutting edge marketing nous and total lack of any grasp of West Ham's fanbase). Of course, she has another job on The Apprentice. Either her experiences with The Pornographers are insufficient, or she has a penchant for sucking up to loud-mouthed wide boys. She should be fired (preferably from a cannon).
L is for Losing. What we've become good at, especially away from home, despite the tremendous support which is always thanked by whomever is temporarily in charge. Now, of course, relegation will mean losing all that multi-millions in Sky money. It might also mean losing some of the over-priced and underperforming mercenaires from the team (£90k a week for Wayne Bridge - not even the Golden Gate Bridge and the Brooklyn Bridge together is worth that).
M is for Manchester United. Not because they've won the Premiership for the 19th time and will, I hope, lose comprehensively to Barcelona. They've encapsulated our season. One of the few (only?) highs of the season was the Carling Cup game when two-goal Jonathon Spencer contributed to our 4-0 win never having scored before. In our league game, we went 2 goals up and Vidic should have been sent off. Then who knows? In the event we capitulated and lost 2-4, a good mini-revival ended and we were done. But we still won the season 6-5 on aggregate.
N is for Newcastle. Away, when they were in disarray following the sacking of Chris Hughton, the appointment of Pardew and the sale of Andy Carroll. Still West Ham away? That'll do nicely for a 5-0 stroll.
O is for Orient. The mystic east and, please god, derailers of West Ham's journey to the Olympic Park. Never thought Barry Hearn was much of a saviour but who knows?
L is for Losing. What we've become good at, especially away from home, despite the tremendous support which is always thanked by whomever is temporarily in charge. Now, of course, relegation will mean losing all that multi-millions in Sky money. It might also mean losing some of the over-priced and underperforming mercenaires from the team (£90k a week for Wayne Bridge - not even the Golden Gate Bridge and the Brooklyn Bridge together is worth that).
M is for Manchester United. Not because they've won the Premiership for the 19th time and will, I hope, lose comprehensively to Barcelona. They've encapsulated our season. One of the few (only?) highs of the season was the Carling Cup game when two-goal Jonathon Spencer contributed to our 4-0 win never having scored before. In our league game, we went 2 goals up and Vidic should have been sent off. Then who knows? In the event we capitulated and lost 2-4, a good mini-revival ended and we were done. But we still won the season 6-5 on aggregate.
N is for Newcastle. Away, when they were in disarray following the sacking of Chris Hughton, the appointment of Pardew and the sale of Andy Carroll. Still West Ham away? That'll do nicely for a 5-0 stroll.
O is for Orient. The mystic east and, please god, derailers of West Ham's journey to the Olympic Park. Never thought Barry Hearn was much of a saviour but who knows?
Thursday 12 May 2011
Review of the Season Part Two: F - J
F is for Failure, the Fuckers. Let's be clear, last season was a near-miss disaster and this season we look like going one worse. So who's failed? Obviously not The Pornographers, because they've managed down the terrible debt they inherited in order to put the team on a more stable footing. Obviously not the Vice- Chairman 'cos she got the second season with The Apprentice gig and drove forward the Olympic Park Plan (as well as letting it be known that appointing Avram was not her idea). Obviously not the players 'cos they will all be able to move on after relegation to other Premier League clubs since they couldn't be expected to play in The Championship, even though they've played us into The Championship. Obviously not Avram ("judge me after 15 games") because of the terrible injuries to players and lack of financial resources. So it'll be us, the fans, at fault again.
G is for Goals. Those we let in regularly, those we fail to score regularly. My son, Joel, told me he'd read some stat that if shots that had hit the woodwork were counted as goals, West Ham would have been mid-table. And if my aunt had balls she'd be a dead ringer for Avram Grant ...
H is for Hubris. Champions League? We're not having a laugh. Every new owner in recent years of every club anywhere talks about being in the Champions League in a small number of years. Except for the very deep pockets of Abramovich, and the even deeper pockets of the Shady Sheikhs, none deliver. Still, in The Championship owners promise promotion. And equally few deliver.
I is for Irons in the Soul. All season long I've wrestled with the dross served up masquerading as football. I've claimed that I will not renew my season ticket, that going is now no joy, no catharsis. The Controller, however, has spoken. I have been told to renew my season ticket. Now, that's either because, as she claims, giving up is a change too far for me and the family. Or it's because she knows I may remain as obsessed by the score and also be close enough to infect her with depression if I don't go. Take your pick.
J is for Jessica, Joel and Jack, fruit of my loins, my fellow sufferers. If there is one thing that makes going worth while it is you (and Connor, of course). Thank you.
G is for Goals. Those we let in regularly, those we fail to score regularly. My son, Joel, told me he'd read some stat that if shots that had hit the woodwork were counted as goals, West Ham would have been mid-table. And if my aunt had balls she'd be a dead ringer for Avram Grant ...
H is for Hubris. Champions League? We're not having a laugh. Every new owner in recent years of every club anywhere talks about being in the Champions League in a small number of years. Except for the very deep pockets of Abramovich, and the even deeper pockets of the Shady Sheikhs, none deliver. Still, in The Championship owners promise promotion. And equally few deliver.
I is for Irons in the Soul. All season long I've wrestled with the dross served up masquerading as football. I've claimed that I will not renew my season ticket, that going is now no joy, no catharsis. The Controller, however, has spoken. I have been told to renew my season ticket. Now, that's either because, as she claims, giving up is a change too far for me and the family. Or it's because she knows I may remain as obsessed by the score and also be close enough to infect her with depression if I don't go. Take your pick.
J is for Jessica, Joel and Jack, fruit of my loins, my fellow sufferers. If there is one thing that makes going worth while it is you (and Connor, of course). Thank you.
Blackburned? West Ham 1-1 Blackburn; 7 May
I can't really be arsed. Just like Robbie Keane. Thank god it's nearly over.
Saturday 7 May 2011
The Nightmare is almost over: Review of the season Part One: A-E
A is for Avram the Arsehole. Appointed by The Pornographers last summer with a brief to improve on a campaign that produced the lowest points total for a team not to be relegated and consolidate West Ham's premiership position, he's clearly failed. Unless, that is, somehow a team that's lost five consecutive games at the business end of the season suddenly wins at least two out of three. Then he might just be Avram the Awesome.
B is for Blog. This one was for me and my kids to celebrate following West Ham this season, and was instigated by The Controller. As a professional writer, she seems to be keen to encourage others to write (up to a point - not as competition in her field). There's not been much to celebrate and the multi-authorship hasn't really worked (one post each from Jess, Joe and Jack, come on guys, that's trying as much as the team), but in a perverse way, I've enjoyed it.
C is for Championship. Which is where we've been headed ever since the shambolic capitulation at Villa in the first game of the season. Remember, O'Neill walked out a few days before, they had an injury crisis and rookie manager. We had bigged-up new players Reid (played in the World Cup) and Barrera (played in the World Cup). They had a youth team midfield and one of their best players, Milner, about to defect to Citeh. We were a shambles with no fight, so we've been consistent all season.
D is for DiCanio. He's been cheerleading at Upton Park on several occasions this season and making appearances in the programme. In interviews he talks of his love for West Ham (second only to Mussolini?). But, really, I think he'd be best out on the pitch even now. At least he never gave up.
E is for Exit, the sense of coming to an end. Avram will go, unlamented, at the end of the season whatever happens. But will I go, too? My son Joel commented at the last home game that it was blindingly obvious that I didn't want to be there, because it was so obviously going to be misery. But when there's a game I'm not at, I try to see a live stream, or watch on the telly, or get phone updates. It's clearly a drug, but not Ecstasy.
B is for Blog. This one was for me and my kids to celebrate following West Ham this season, and was instigated by The Controller. As a professional writer, she seems to be keen to encourage others to write (up to a point - not as competition in her field). There's not been much to celebrate and the multi-authorship hasn't really worked (one post each from Jess, Joe and Jack, come on guys, that's trying as much as the team), but in a perverse way, I've enjoyed it.
C is for Championship. Which is where we've been headed ever since the shambolic capitulation at Villa in the first game of the season. Remember, O'Neill walked out a few days before, they had an injury crisis and rookie manager. We had bigged-up new players Reid (played in the World Cup) and Barrera (played in the World Cup). They had a youth team midfield and one of their best players, Milner, about to defect to Citeh. We were a shambles with no fight, so we've been consistent all season.
D is for DiCanio. He's been cheerleading at Upton Park on several occasions this season and making appearances in the programme. In interviews he talks of his love for West Ham (second only to Mussolini?). But, really, I think he'd be best out on the pitch even now. At least he never gave up.
E is for Exit, the sense of coming to an end. Avram will go, unlamented, at the end of the season whatever happens. But will I go, too? My son Joel commented at the last home game that it was blindingly obvious that I didn't want to be there, because it was so obviously going to be misery. But when there's a game I'm not at, I try to see a live stream, or watch on the telly, or get phone updates. It's clearly a drug, but not Ecstasy.
Sunday 1 May 2011
May Day! Man City West Ham: 1 May
On international workers of the world day, West Ham's own workhorse, Scott Parker won't be able to audition for potential new employers because he's injured. The substitute workhorse (but not a donkey) Mark Noble is also out injured.
So even before the match we have distress calls.
I shall be watching at my house in Norfolk expecting another heavy defeat. We start the game bottom with the weekend results bringing Wigan and Wolves a point each, as well as Backpool, and with Blackburn picking up three points. The only contender for relegation to fare badly so far is Sunderland, and by the last game of the season it could be all over for them and us.
So we have a genuine distress call on May Day.
I shall keep the laptop fittingly on my lap as I watch the continued demise of the team. But first, the next instalment in Arsenal's hard-luck season. Is there a rule that Vidic can't be sent off? He should have gone against us when we were two up and now he's managed a blatant handball in the area and been allowed to play on.
But still Arsenal managed to win for the first time in 'n' games and now here we are in the Man City tunnel with Upson as captain. He'll be one of the out of contract players The Pornographer no. 1 thinks can't be relied on to give their all for the cause. So at least he'll be consistent with his performances all season. Just like Robbie Keane who's also picked to play.
So here we go.
Two minutes and we haven't conceded. Only eighty-eight and extra time to go ....
The commentator has just told us that no team in Premier League history bottom with four teams to go has ever avoided relegation. So a chance to make history!
So ten minutes and we concede from thirty yards by a player who's never scored for City before. Opposing players must love playing West Ham - no challenge, plenty of space to play and a charging player who turns his back to avoid getting hurt. The only thing we can hope for is complacency overtaking the opposition, but just in case that shoul happen we've scored an own goal on fifteen minutes. It took Chelsea over fifty minutes to score two, so how many will we concede today?
So what should we do now? Try to keep it at only two or try to score? Or just give up?
Who'll be gone this summer from this team? Rob Green surely will go to a team that has a defence of sorts. Jacobsen is on loan and will go. Upson seems already gone. Gabbidon is surely not worth keeping but will be difficult to shift. Sears and Spector will no doubt stay and we won't be able to get rid of Rigor unless we can find a skip. Keane, thank god, won't be coming, and I suppose Ba will Be off. But we'll still have Barrera and Reid.
Thirty-one minutes and Keane misses an open goal for the second week in a row. At least he's consistent.
GOAL!!! Demba BA BA BA!!! So can we keep it to 2-1? Nobody could expect an equaliser, not even The Controller with the facile optimism of ignorance.
41 minutes and a perfect example of Rigor - no pressure, crap pass when we could have had a chance. But the commentators praise his effort to chase back (which he wouldn't have to do if he could pass to a teammate).
So half-time and we've scored two goals. Unfortunately one was for City so we're losing.
Now we've had the Avram half-time team talk to inspire the second half.
And after ten minutes we've tried very hard, but also tried hard to give a goal away. So far we haven't succeeded and so we're losing but still only by one goal though how Silva can miss on 62 minutes I don't know. Is he related to Robbie Keane?
A wasted free kick from Hitzlsperger. Why has he given up shooting? But at least Keane has taken his posing to the bench. We're completely on top so it's only a matter of time before we concede.
A quarter hour to go and we're playing well but we don't look like scoring and City look like they've woken up.
Under ten minutes left and whatever is said about the performance, we're losing again. For the fifth game in a row.
Three minutes extra time and surely we must get some kind of chance? Not at all. And the same could be said for our season
So even before the match we have distress calls.
I shall be watching at my house in Norfolk expecting another heavy defeat. We start the game bottom with the weekend results bringing Wigan and Wolves a point each, as well as Backpool, and with Blackburn picking up three points. The only contender for relegation to fare badly so far is Sunderland, and by the last game of the season it could be all over for them and us.
So we have a genuine distress call on May Day.
I shall keep the laptop fittingly on my lap as I watch the continued demise of the team. But first, the next instalment in Arsenal's hard-luck season. Is there a rule that Vidic can't be sent off? He should have gone against us when we were two up and now he's managed a blatant handball in the area and been allowed to play on.
But still Arsenal managed to win for the first time in 'n' games and now here we are in the Man City tunnel with Upson as captain. He'll be one of the out of contract players The Pornographer no. 1 thinks can't be relied on to give their all for the cause. So at least he'll be consistent with his performances all season. Just like Robbie Keane who's also picked to play.
So here we go.
Two minutes and we haven't conceded. Only eighty-eight and extra time to go ....
The commentator has just told us that no team in Premier League history bottom with four teams to go has ever avoided relegation. So a chance to make history!
So ten minutes and we concede from thirty yards by a player who's never scored for City before. Opposing players must love playing West Ham - no challenge, plenty of space to play and a charging player who turns his back to avoid getting hurt. The only thing we can hope for is complacency overtaking the opposition, but just in case that shoul happen we've scored an own goal on fifteen minutes. It took Chelsea over fifty minutes to score two, so how many will we concede today?
So what should we do now? Try to keep it at only two or try to score? Or just give up?
Who'll be gone this summer from this team? Rob Green surely will go to a team that has a defence of sorts. Jacobsen is on loan and will go. Upson seems already gone. Gabbidon is surely not worth keeping but will be difficult to shift. Sears and Spector will no doubt stay and we won't be able to get rid of Rigor unless we can find a skip. Keane, thank god, won't be coming, and I suppose Ba will Be off. But we'll still have Barrera and Reid.
Thirty-one minutes and Keane misses an open goal for the second week in a row. At least he's consistent.
GOAL!!! Demba BA BA BA!!! So can we keep it to 2-1? Nobody could expect an equaliser, not even The Controller with the facile optimism of ignorance.
41 minutes and a perfect example of Rigor - no pressure, crap pass when we could have had a chance. But the commentators praise his effort to chase back (which he wouldn't have to do if he could pass to a teammate).
So half-time and we've scored two goals. Unfortunately one was for City so we're losing.
Now we've had the Avram half-time team talk to inspire the second half.
And after ten minutes we've tried very hard, but also tried hard to give a goal away. So far we haven't succeeded and so we're losing but still only by one goal though how Silva can miss on 62 minutes I don't know. Is he related to Robbie Keane?
A wasted free kick from Hitzlsperger. Why has he given up shooting? But at least Keane has taken his posing to the bench. We're completely on top so it's only a matter of time before we concede.
A quarter hour to go and we're playing well but we don't look like scoring and City look like they've woken up.
Under ten minutes left and whatever is said about the performance, we're losing again. For the fifth game in a row.
Three minutes extra time and surely we must get some kind of chance? Not at all. And the same could be said for our season
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)