Before this match, Avram Grant 's dead-man-walking graveyard humour was in evidence when he said that the owners had expressed a wish to lose by a big margin (so he could be sacked). I know plenty of West Ham fans who also wouldn't have minded that. After all, we weren't confident that we'd beat Birmingham in the first leg, let alone over two legs. And if we did, we expected to play Arsenal in the final and not only would we not win, but if Newcastle could beat us 5-0 (before losing 2-0 themselves to Stevenage to demonstrate what a strong team they are), we were in severe danger of the kind of embarrassing result that lasts forever in our and opposition's memory.
So losing and sacking Avram looked a decent option.
But not apparently to the team.
Before the kick-off, the sight of Wally Downes (about whom I know nothing but since the papers say that Neil Warnock hates him, I've decided he must be a great guy. That logic does not extend to El-hadj Diouf, by the way) drilling a backline with Faubert and Upson as the fullbacks and with Reid in central defence more or less guaranteed that Tompkins and Green would have plenty of opportunity to give a Man of the Match display.
But the team was a revelation in the first half of this game. The defence and midfield was organised and disciplined. Throughout the team there was a drive, commitment and purpose rarely evident this season. Birmingham were allowed to have the ball with their centre backs, while West Ham kept a compact shape. When Birmingham lost the ball (or, more often, it was won by a West Ham player), we broke with pace and precision. Only Foster in their goal and some fairly desperate defending kept the score to 1-0 to us at half-time.
My eldest son was driving to Brasov in Romania during the first half of the game and demanded text updates. At half time he had arrived and established an internet connection in time to see Alan Hansen announce that it was only a matter of time before West Ham scored a second and that Birmingham might as well not have turned up. As he succinctly put it, 'that's us fucked'.
And so it came to pass. Avram's inspirational half-time team talk must have been along the lines of: 'you're expected to lose this game, but you're playing as if you'll win. Please slow the pace down, drop off and allow their midfield to work the ball. Then, don't get tight in the penalty area for any crosses'. It must have been that because the team followed those instructions to a T.
And suddenly this was a different game, Birmingham equalised, the crowd was silent and we awaited the inevitable second (and perhaps third or fourth) goals. My daughter who, unlike everybody else in the crowd, did not follow the play from a throw-in, suddenly shrieked 'oh my god, he's got away with it; I can't believe he's got away with it.' What she had seen, she informed us, was Obinna kicking Larsson in the nuts off the ball (the football, that is. Very much on the gonad ball). However, everybody watching on television had seen it and so, apparently, had the assistant referee, so Obinna was rightly sent off and we had gone from cruising the game, to letting in an equaliser and losing a player in about 20 minutes.
So much for the discipline and endeavour of the first half.
And then football demonstrated another punchline that earns it the 'funny old game' tag.
We managed to put a startlingly good move together ending a cross for Carlton Cole. He pulled another from his repertoire of unbelievable goals. Last time it was a crafty dummy/complete miskick (choose according to taste) that led to a defender scoring a dopey own goal. This time it was a miskick with the softest of connections and Ben Foster somehow allowed the ball across the line and we were unbelievably, unaccountably, 2-1 up.
At the beginning of the second half the Brummie muppets were, in their nasal whine, accusing Rob Green of letting his country down. Now their goalkeeper had well and truly let his team down. 'Too shit for England' the South Bank crowed with delight.
And that was it, more or less, apart from the routine scares that the West Ham 'defence' kept coming to the end.
And Avram keeps his job (without a vote of confidence).
The next night Ipswich beat Arsenal 1-0 in their first leg. I still expect a Birmingham-Arsenal final (given our dreadful away record and Birmingham's home form).
Because, in a two-legged tie, we're only half way through, we're winning and it's a game of two halves.. ..... but as it's also a funny old game, choose your cliche.
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